Sometimes, when I get scared and think to myself “nothing will be alright”. I sit down and read a book and escape to a new world, where life for the character is all planned out for her/him… the life of the character is all written out and thought out by the author… it’s set in stone… er… in this case, in paper with ink. It helps me to realize that my life is constantly changing and the decisions I make lead up to how my future will turn out. Each tiny move I make helps me to write my future, but unlike a book, my future can change… and is constantly changing, even at this very moment.
I need to remember that each bad thing that happens to me… is not so bad. And that to each ending there is a new beginning waiting for me. I have a good job, I’d like to keep it. But Im right at the edge about to fall. I fear that very soon, I will come into work and that will be the end of that story. I need my job for the benefits, right now is the time in life where Im really using those. The steady pay and knowing I will be getting a paycheck is also keeping me there. However, it is time to move on. After three years of hard work, I should be moving forward… Instead, I am moving backwards…
I guess it wont surprise me, cuz Im totally prepared.
What Im not prepared for… is my new life. I have a baby on the way… and a “sort-of-like” step daughter that will need a home with her father. She loves me, and she is going to be an amazing big sister. We are going to have a lot of fun, she’s such a cool kid. She likes to fish and play with frogs and tadpoles and go out on boats… and quads. She’s 5 years old, but it may be too late to teach her new house rules. I fear its going to be hard for me with a baby and an already grown grade school kid. Ive been looking for an apartment, whats hard is trying to find the perfect home for us. Ive set my expectations high. Which makes it unrealistic, everything I look at it either too expensive for us (especially if Im going to lose my job) and/or not enough bedrooms, bathrooms, living space, doesnt have a fireplace, or hardwood floors, or a dishwasher. Yes, I absolutely need a dishwasher. With Jesse working 10 hour days 5 days a week, he doesnt and wouldnt have the time to be my dishwasher… and Im completely done doing with dishes myself.
On another note, Im a new mom. This is my first child. Ive always been good with kids, but thats normal cuz I never wanted any children of my own, and I was content knowing that I could give them back. Specifically, my neices… I really never babysat my nephew… so iM not sure how good I would be with a boy, but Im sure I can handle it, or learn how to handle it. But as of right now, Im completely clueless… Im sure everything will eventually come to me.
Not too long ago, Jessa had given me two Kokopelli; a fertility deity, usually depicted as a humpbacked flute player (often with a huge phallus and feathers or antenna-like protrusions on his head). I had not understood the meaning of the item or symbol he stood for. I had looked it up just yesterday when I found out the name of the character. If I had known that I would have never accepted these items, as I noted above I never wanted any children of my own. So, knowing this, I gave these little men to somebody who needs a fertility deity on her side as she has been trying to get pregnant again. Good luck to her… and me I cant wait til Im 25 I will get fixed and never have to worry about it again, hopefully.
Well, thats all I have up there in my tiny little brain for now.
